Friday, May 21, 2010
No longer an itch but an ache...
After reading my loved ones blogs and seeing so many of my beautiful friends prego, I have to say that the itch I once had for Oak #2 in now a full on heart ache. Aaron really wants to wait to start trying later so that when I give birth this next time the sun will be out and maybe I won't go as crazy. I haven't talked about this in a while but I am still suffering with depression. The post-pardum clinically ends after 6 months and then it is just depression. But I am back to myself and doing GREAT! I am terrified to do it all again though. I am terrified that this time instead of my family just talking about having me committed that they will take action and padded walls will be my reality. I am scared to hate my child again. I am scared to hate myself. I am scared to tell my husband to leave. I am scared to not be able to remember the first couple months of my new blessing's life. I am scared of completely loosing it again. I can feel this new little spirit knocking on my uterus wall and saying "Mommy, let me out! Don't give up! I will make it all worth it!" I miss my babies. I want them here. But I don't want to lose myself again and be such a burden on everyone around me. I don't want them to think "Yeah that is my crazy sister or daughter". Just plain and simple I am scared out of my mind.
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2 comments:
What you say, think and focus on is what you will become. Thoughts turn into action. Say, think, act and believe in what you want. I know that you know this and I know that you have what it takes to be great.
"Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul." 2 Nephi 4:16-35 (good stuff)
Rachel, Have faith in Gods power that his plan for you will come full circle. We are ALL here to support you and love you. I believe full hearted that if things are meant to be they will become, with just need to trust in God.
(p.s. I had a friend who had post-partum depression with her first child pretty bad, and she got pregnant before she was ready with her second, and guess what...she said it was a totally different experience and that she didn't suffer this time, and actually enjoyed. Just because it happened once, it will not happen again. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING YOU WANT! love ya girl!)
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